How Are You, Really?

"How Are You, Really?"

Cancer.

Cancer has invaded our family.

Cancer won't go away.

I don't forget about cancer, but I want to.


Really.

Whatever you see that moment, that is how I'm doing, really.

I'm really heartbroken, devastated, upset, sick, and angry….sometimes.

I'm really in love, happy for the moment, enjoying my job, and laughing about my children…sometimes.

I'm really numb, unable to talk about the cancer, and want to play pretend…sometimes.

I'm really ready to discuss metastasis, medications, treatment, and radiation…sometimes.

I Want.

I want to cherish every moment AND plan for the future.

I want to be at home with my husband AND teaching in a classroom.

I want to spend every moment with my children AND I need a break from them too.

I want to hold my husband in our bed AND travel the world with him.

To Live

I tried a new recipe. I fixed the sink. I colored eggs for Easter. I did my lesson plans. I tied some shoes, renewed my car tags, paid the bills, and swept the floor.

I played legos, I bought my husband a new shirt, the yard work starts this week, and in 38 more school days we'll start our summer break.

After treatment we'll get a milkshake, if he's too sick to go out we'll watch another movie on Amazon, and when he's feeling okay we'll take another road trip.

We will just keep on living as long as we can. I'll be angry, happy, sad, exhausted, excited, depressed, elated, and overjoyed at the same time.

That's how I'm doing, really.